Despair

Do dark thoughts invade your mind frequently? Do you wonder if you're sane or just getting crazier? A multitude of feelings rock your senses as you feel helpless against this rage eating you up inside. It begins right at the pit of your stomach and rises up your throat like bile. But wait - it doesn't stop there - it gets worse. You choke on it - suffocate - can't breathe and wish that you could just die.

But hey, doesn't every normal human being feel this way at least once in a lifetime? Don't we all face adversity in different ways? Sometimes it’s the loss of a child, sometimes a limb. It could be heartache, or tears over a lost friend. Every single person born on this earth faces pain at some point of time in their lives. Does that mean that we blame the universe? The circle of life is such, that there are some good days and other bad ones. Some get it worse than others. But it doesn't take away the sadness, anger, guilt and disappointment that swings your way.

I wake up at night sometimes, lonely and frustrated. Nightmares assault me occasionally - and I wonder if I've made a mistake. Should I have been stronger? What did I do wrong? Why was I treated so badly? What did I do to deserve that? Only I know how tormented I was. My pride, my confidence, my faith in the one person who should have been my rock was shattered.

I guess I'm confused. Aren't we all? Why do I have so many questions? I lie awake at night dreaming about possibilities and I really wonder if I will ever find happiness. Have I ever been happy? Or am I someone who does not want to be happy? Am I so self-centered that I can't find happiness in the wonderful things that are there in my life. Hey, but I am happy, I think…

I yearn for something, I don't know what. I want love, comfort, hope, joy, a dream of a future, security in the arms of a beloved. I don't think I really want to spend my life alone. I like men. They are silly creatures, but then, women too are silly. It's the silliness that makes the world a brighter place; it adds color to an otherwise dull space.

I feel miserable so often and I can't show this to anyone. If I exhibit pain, others will feel it too. I have to be brave, act tough and go on with life like nothing bad has happened. It’s quite a strain and all I want is someone to hold me, someone to hold on to.

Memories of the past haunt even my waking moments. The verbal assaults still ring in my head. No one has ever made me feel so cheap, so used. I picked up the pieces of the little bit of dignity that remained and walked out. The pain has still not faded. I can't remember the good times. The bad days play on my mind constantly. I was seen in a different light, cast as a witch. Well, that’s a bit dramatic, I know. The things said and the insults hurled – not a single apology for tearing me to shreds, for trampling over my feelings and leaving me empty inside. I wasn’t given a chance from the beginning. The verdict was declared before life even began. How unfair is that?

The truth is that I too contributed to why I was seen in a different light. One momentous blunder in life was agreeing to go ahead, knowing it was a mistake. They talked me into it. I know the blame should be placed squarely on me and only me, but guilt contributed to a wrong decision. I did put my heart and soul into forging the alliance; I couldn’t win anyone over. The damage was done. I have no one to blame but myself. However, nobody has a right to treat anyone badly. That is their shame. I do not accept responsibility for being treated like that.

I am the only person who knows the extent to which they went to cause such anguish.

True love was not there; not in the way that would break my heart. I tried, I changed. Love is nothing but habit. In a new place who do you turn to for help? Who else could I rely on to lend me just a little bit of support?