Monday, June 16, 2008

Letting go is so hard

I wake up in the middle of the night as bad dreams assault me. The violent ending of a relationship haunt me as I try to discard them and move on. Maybe it’s because it’s just around the corner that the nightmares have come back. I want someone’s arms around me – but sadly face the fact that I am alone. Sleep eludes thereafter and I can only fall asleep for stretches in between. The past and the present bother me for totally different reasons.

These dreadful feelings stem from the loss of bearings. There’s no sense of direction. When I steer things towards a foreseeable future, I find that the piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit quite right. Wants, needs, interests and values are so different. How much longer will I go on like this? I have very strong opinions and those are not going to change. It’s part of my individuality. Take that away I won't be myself. Yet, there’s a part of me that derives comfort from the present. I wonder how long I can enjoy this reverie and how will I let it go? If I don’t let it go, there’s no purpose. I’ve battled with just chugging along like this for as long as it lasts. I’m okay with that; what troubles me is how difficult it could be to let go.

In so many ways I find myself clinging on for no reason. I’m just drifting along as the attention diminishes - the effort to do more to spark an interest or the one to halt its course are both too cumbersome to bother with right now.

1 comment:

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