Monday, July 21, 2008

Why do I allow?

The last few weeks have been abuzz with activity and emotional turmoil. I felt as if I was coming to terms with myself and then found myself being dragged down into a mire of pessimistic thought. I fought and tried hard to be happy with myself. It is so darn easy to lecture on erasing negativity, but so difficult to clear your mind of it. Somewhere at the back of my head, I am still bitter about the turn of events.

Talking to myself has always been a therapeutic way of getting rid of inhibitions and fears. As I battle with my oscillating feelings, I realize that I am angry and upset with the way things have turned out. I have been blaming people and circumstances when the biggest perpetrator has been none other than me.

I put myself in positions to get hurt. I allow the people to hurt me. I care, probably too much in some cases; and I knowingly put myself in situations that I should avoid. Knowing that things are not going to work out, I should have refrained from taking that path. Sigh!!! Let bygones be and move on.

We are all selfish in our own ways. People have used me, but then again, I have used people too. Therefore, who am I to lament about the fact that I have been taken for granted. I have given those people the right. It’s too confusing. There are too many rules to follow; rules created by us humans.

I want to stop hurting, to stop wanting certain people to make ME happy, to care about what I care. I have made the mistake of catering to the whims and fancies of those around me. I have been fortunate for those instances where these wonderful people have not taken advantage of me.

Some people who hurt me are just plain selfish. As long as they derive some contentment from you, they pretend to care and sometimes even after. (It's not always pretense, but playing the victim here - I like to put it that way). The minute they find that find another source of entertainment they drop you without a thought. I am not talking about being jilted here. They do not really care about how you feel anymore so long as it satisfies their need for comfort. They would actually trample on you, on your feelings just so that they can derive something, without a care to your feelings and emotions. The question is, do such people have a conscience, does it prick? Another one is, why did I put myself in the same damn path knowing that they are too selfish to give up anything for themselves, even something that really shouldn't be a point to debate?

What I want to get out of my system is the pain I feel. At the same time, this all-consuming rage makes me want to see those people suffer from pain, loneliness and finally realization. The devil has got into me. I can actually see red eyes glowing, the horns and the evil twisted mind at work. I see the devil laughing at me, knowing that I would sell my soul for that.
There is humour at the end of everything. In this case, perhaps it is the irony about the repitition. I wonder if awareness will open up a new door? Sigh! It all comes back to hope...

1 comment:

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