Wednesday, August 27, 2008

So tired of repetition

Today is one of those days where I’m sitting around wishing I could drop everything and just go home, or on a long drive, a holiday, anyplace where I can immerse myself in misery. I hate fights – but that’s all that seems to be thrown in my direction. I’m really tired of being like this. I’ve said it to myself a zillion times – it’s time to take a step back. When things repeat themselves over and over again, it’s time I learnt my lesson, stop burning my fingers and just ease out of it all.

Why does this get to me so deep? Why do I have such strong feelings? I sat down this morning listing out reasons for staying and found nothing that holds water. I deserve something better out of life than a constant battle of wills, scramble for time, yearning for attention, change of routine….the list goes on – a miracle it would be if things turned around. I’d been listening to the same thing for the last few months, about the time required to make changes, but am I blind to the fact that there’s no attempt in that direction? I see a turn of new events unfold every week; but a closer look reveals that although the event is new, the pattern is the same.

I can count on my fingers the number of times I’ve really had the time that I crave. Still, no matter what I sit and blog, I know deep down inside that I’m nothing but a fool. I’m putting my thoughts of stepping out and taking a breath of fresh air, instead of moping around like a besotted idiot; I hope that an angel gets wind of my pleas and helps me overcome this weakness.

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