Tuesday, September 2, 2008

A cry .. goodbye

I cried a little in the shower last night. I wanted to let go and bawl like I had been meaning to; but the sobs stopped halfway, unwilling to develop into full-blown grief. I guess I wasn’t ready yet, or perhaps a tad too tired to expend energy. Two hours later I got a few calls wishing me and then a surprise visit that cheered me up some.

I lay awake for a long time, contemplating assumptions. I know that any presumptions I may have are based on facts. I may have leaped to conclusions occasionally, but not without good reason. The fact that preferences and options come into the picture is a bit too bitter for my palate.

My thoughts glided once more into hope – would things turn around now? This indecisive nature that’s come to cling to me these days used to be alien before; now it has turned me into a very fickle-minded individual. I don’t like that feeling. I want to know my bearings, get a whiff of the direction I’m walking to, and a scent that I’m not making a mistake, yet again.

I pictured myself standing at an entry/exit – one foot in the past and the other stepping out to the future outside. The foot inside the door to the past is being pulled back…a glimpse of a promising new path beckons if I step back in. the lure is tempting, yet I undecided, hopeful yet apprehensive. I feel a strong pull to the past, but the links are weakened.

One day, a few words…they hardly make a difference, not when the rest of the days are filled with misery and heartache. I am turning into a cynic - knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Seems a bit crazy – even for me. Am I turning into an eccentric?

My doubts and fears throw a shadow over the sunshine that’s just peeked through the clouds. I’m keeping a wary watch over every single step; every move arouses suspicion (sad, but true – when things end up reverting to the same, it’s hard to believe). Is this for real, or yet another illusion? I’m taking the risk – one last time.

"Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people." Zig Ziglar

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