I hoped that something would change. Sadly, things are the same. Dreams, hopes and aspirations clash – how do I live like this? I wait no longer. I have stopped trying because it makes me feel worse that I put in so much effort for nothing much. Twice this week the comfort I so desperately longed for came from friends. I wonder if there will be a time ever when I can derive that consolation from someone special instead. I am tired of late nights. I feel wretched being out with a bunch of people all the time. I would rather be alone and happy than in a crowd and claustrophobic. I need quality not leftovers from a night out. I know it sounds horrible the way I am putting it, but the truth remains that I am always the one waiting. I do not want to be an option anymore. It makes me feel worse about myself. I am trying to move on from feeling like a failure to making a difference. Yet I find myself once again giving instead of receiving. It is alomost like reliving another life where I came out the loser.
I haven’t written this for anyone in particular to read and feel bad. It is the same thing over. I need to cry somewhere, and this is where I find a little bit of relief from the pain and loneliness.