Reliving memories

I cannot go back and live that life again. I can feel the pain that he is going through right now. He has yet to come to terms with what he did. He does not see it. He does not realize what he has done to me. I remember every single word said with all its venom intended to hurt. I remember the things he did – the fear I felt before he struck. I relive it almost every night of late. I burn with shame, guilt and anger that I allowed someone to treat me with such callousness. I cry because I was weak and still am. I am terrified that I will put myself in a position where I feel helpless again. I do not want to cower before anyone. I want to stand up straight. I want to fight back if I need to. I want to be a partner, an equal. I do not want to compromise on my values, but I am willing to compromise on the lesser important things.

I wake up at night and sleep plays games as my mind flitters across the past and present. Try as I might I am unable to stop to memories. Some things from the present bring a smile on my face. I feel safe now. I know that I am protected from certain things. Then again, the present haunts with its uncertainty. How long will this feeling be there? At the end, how much will it hurt?

I sat alone that night and hungered for strength, or at least something to lean on to, to hold on to. I did not want to be alone, but know that it is probably better to find strength alone rather than rely on something variable.