At the peak of emotional turmoil, feelings get so highly accentuated that many things seem much clearer; on the downside, this same inflection also poses a barrier to reasoning. How do we balance this out? I do not have the answer. I wish I did; it would at least give me some peace.
I wish I wanted less out of life, or could at least settle for tidbits. I can’t do that now. I want it all. I know however that if compromise on that again I will end up a bitter old woman (if I ever grow old inside my head). Many ask me if I want to get married again. The truth is that I do not believe in marriage. Nevertheless, yes, I do want a real relationship, one based on love, trust, truth, integrity and honesty. I want to be wanted for “ME”. I need to feel it, to see it. Being taken for granted is good, because it means that you can be counted on; still, it is not something that should happen all the time. So yes, I want marriage in its true sense, not a document or a social obligation. I want a bond, a union of heart, mind, soul and body. I want all the elements – earth, air, fire and water.
I see myself getting side tracked with other things. I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a precipice; the drop into the unknown seems to be more appealing than going back into the life that is becoming meaningless as each day goes by that I try to back out of robotic entertainment.
I want to grow older and wiser with a special person. I do not want to be alone. I know a day will come when parents are gone, friends and family are caught up in their own lives; at that point, I would certainly want the company of someone I love and trust. Something like that has to build over time, it will not just happen one fine day. I want to share my life; I have so much to give.
20 years hence…..my idyllic existence in a sense.
I wake up to the sound of soft breathing by my side. A warm feeling of peace and contentment as I lie beside a man who has made my dream a reality buzzes through my veins. I smile as I come alive in his arms.
I see myself standing in the sunshine outside…countryside…somewhere in a little cottage, perhaps a river running by. I have flowers blooming in our garden, and a vegetable plot which services the needs of our kitchen.
How much longer can we live in the city, trudging through traffic and rising cost of living, battling with our tired selves? I long for a day where I can read a book under a tree, picnic on a hillock, swim the river and take long walks through the country.
I find myself constantly thinking about what kind of life lies ahead. Will I be alone as I grow older or will I find a partner to share my life with? What if I do indeed end up being alone? Perhaps I’ll keep animals…given my fear of them, I wonder how I’ll survive that one!!! Maybe a cow for milk, fowl for meat and eggs, a cat and dog for company. Seriously…I do not want to end up being a cat lady.
At 31 it’s nice to live here, in Bangalore, go to work, keep the mind occupied, a roof over my head and food on the table, with a few other luxuries thrown in. I don’t want to go through life immersed in a career; I don’t see myself slogging at work, short on time, too tired to do anything but crash out when I get back home and head out the next morning without a good night’s rest. I want to move out of this city and set up home with someone special.
I sometimes wonder what retirement would be. I’m trying to put something away for the future…basic living expenses, medical coverage…I can’t figure out how I’m going to find a way to get a roof over my head. These prices are atrocious. I’d rather rent than pay 40K in EMI for the next 20 years. I can take the same 40K and secure a future instead, one that gives me spending money and a safe haven.
I want to chill out when I get home, and leisurely get into work. I need to keep myself occupied, generate some income, but I cannot retire a corporate executive. I’m going to find my dream and live it. I want a man who’ll value time and us more than money. Money comes and goes, but the heart and soul should stay together. I cannot put money above everything, nor a career; my priority is life and I want it to stay that way. I’m not jaded anymore and I like that. Yaay!
In 20 years I will move to a quiet, peaceful place somewhere. I hope that I have someone to share my space with, to talk to, to walk with, to be with, to hold and love. If that someone doesn’t surface, then I’ll have to be content with myself. Will I adopt a bairn, as the Scots would say? I don’t know if I can do justice to a child…I’ll figure it out along the way.
Life’s long and wonderful and yet too short to waste with worrying about a future. Things will fall into place – I have faith and it works wonders, I’m told.