Friday, July 4, 2008

The good old days of being

I am a nasty person, I am :-(. I over-react and am probably a bit over-sensitive. Then there is the defensive mode that has gotten into me. I do not know why the heck I feel the need to justify my words and actions. I miss my old friends. I miss hanging out and just being me. No pretences and no fear of repercussions of saying or doing something – oh the luxury of the good old days! It isn’t that I’m not being me otherwise, but seriously, the people that I hang out with sometimes (and of late too often for my liking) aren’t the kind who I can really be myself with. I am constantly on guard. It makes me feel like there is something stuck inside my butt or a needle poking my bum.

The beginning of Y2K was fun – we would all just hang out and yak. D and gang were cool too. The complete boy group was a riot. The earliest probably was the college group. Somewhere down the line came obligations, consciousness blah blah, and it has taken away the essence of personality. These days my associations with most people are related to ‘networking’, going out, having someone to go out with. Why does this make me feel incomplete? There are some people in the crowd that I truly enjoy being with, but certainly not all. I have to watch what I say or do all the freaking time – I hate it. The Sunday I was out with the boys was very enjoyable indeed. I had absolutely no reservations because those guys have seen me around for so long, they just accept me for everything that I am, and I them. We fight, laugh and at the end of the day, no matter what, we know that we can depend on each other. In many ways, I know that hold true even today although I am not really a part of their day-to-day lives anymore. Yet an element is missing. I want someone of my own around with me.

An intense argument about not wanting to go out made me think about the underlying reasons. I realized then that these new people are not really my friends. They are fun, they are good people, but we do not really share anything else. We do not talk about anything but drinking and places to go party. It is nothing but the same conversation over again. Of course, I have more reason to want to avoid them. An element of jealousy crept in because it seemed to be more important to be with them. I do not like being sidelined. With just that in mind, I will avoid future associations with them like plague as much as possible. Is that a fair choice – certainly not! Who thinks I am an angel anyway.

Then without warning, I have some thoughts that make me wonder if I am holding back in some way. Am I not giving one a chance to move on? The thoughts are not exactly unexpected; they have been an affliction recently. Walking down a path, if you are certain that it is going to be a dead end, then why continue in that direction? Is it just to enjoy the moment, the beauty around? Seems pointless, doesn’t it? But then again, what if there is a break in the path up ahead, which could lead somewhere new, and nice? Need to mull on that too.

Even so, if there is a certainty in a direction, especially if it is negative, shouldn’t we just stop and proceed in a different direction, even one that is unknown, for even in the mysterious there is always a ray of hope.

I enjoy solitude as much as I enjoy a friendly rapport. Things looked up a bit last night after I made sense of my jumbled thoughts. I realize that I am possessive about things and people that I love. I do not always like sharing, especially all the time. I would share portions but not the whole. For the whole belongs to me or not to me at all. It is all or none at all.

Back to the nastiness that I think has seeped into my blood. I find myself slowly walking backwards, inching towards the door. Give me smoke, just a little hint of it, and I will run like hell before I burn in the fire that may or may not be there. Do my analogies make sense? I think they do – after all, I cannot put down in so many words the workings of my devious mind.

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