Sunday, July 6, 2008

The weekend

I sat home this weekend, not entirely by choice, circumstance played a part in it as well, for a changeJ. I’m not particularly saying that solitude is necessarily a great thing. I missed having someone to be with this weekend. I know I could have gone out and met a bunch of friends, but somehow that was not really what I sought. I wanted to chill at home, kick back, watch a movie, drink some wine (I’ve got to stop drinking Sula, it’s not really a good wine).

I know that although I’m not terrified of being alone forever, it is still something that does prey on my mind. Should I even be thinking such things? I know I should live for the moment and let whatever happens just ensue. My mind is just not like that. I am a worrier who loves to muse over past, present and future and in some ways a pessimist when it comes to me. Oh, how I love to feel the victim!!! It’s ridiculous really.

One would think that the past teaches us lessons. Then again, we all know that history repeats itself. How do we know that what we’re doing is right or wrong? Most of the time the definitions have been so totally tarnished that it’s a very thin line between the two.

So now I’m worrying over whether I’m being fair to certain people. I am fairly clear about my wants and needs, and I’m too old to make drastic changes. With the same perspective, what do the others want and need? Am I standing in the way because I happen to be around for now? Am I being an obstacle to them doing the things they want to do? If yes, then why am I in the picture at all? If no, then why aren’t things satisfying, at least 70% of the time? I fret over this from time to time and cannot find a viable solution. Every morning I wake up telling myself that “Today, I am not going to break my head or heart over it”, and then as the day turns into night, I find myself going down the same route again.

Lately my posts have been scattered, thoughts unassembled and I have not been paying attention to writing with passion. Maybe it’s a phase, or perhaps sheer exhaustion. I don’t know, but I know that I want to a stable life. I know what I want to do, and I want to get on track with fitness, travel and reading once again. Pleasing others is fine enough as long as it doesn’t take a toll on my mental and physical self. I want to wake up fresh each morning and look forward to being with someone at the end of the day. I want that day so badly; I fear that I’ll end up alone.

It takes just a second to hurt someone you love, but the healing could take a much longer time. I do not want to hurt or harm another. I want to be happy and make others happy too.

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