Monday, August 25, 2008

Damn those oscillations

My moods oscillate frantically from ecstatic to sad, bogging me down. I seriously feel like I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I don’t want to feel emotions like anger and jealousy, yet, it seems like even the stars are conspiring against me in creating situations that really get my goat. Grrr.

I don’t understand why people are so damn desperate to meet certain people – that too going to the extent of doing it in the middle of the damn night!!! I seriously wonder at what the reaction would be if I decided to do the same thing in the middle of the night!

I am probably being unreasonable in my feelings; but I feel sad when the importance of others’ is emphasized more than mineL. It seems like nothing can function without a million people around all the time!!!

I battle with myself daily when I think about the reasons for holding on. Do I really believe that the changes required will happen in my life? Am I capable of structuring that change, facilitating it and making it work for us? Is that what is wanted from deep down inside?

I want some semblance of normalcy. Gosh, I feel like a silly parrot, repeating the same thing over and over again. I kick myself when I find myself stuck in the mud, for no fault but my reluctance to believe that it can’t work. I know that if you want something badly enough, you have the power within to make things work, to compromise and to work towards that goal.

What am I rambling on and on about? I need routine, a home space, a man who’ll spend the evenings with me, a child to raise, mouths to feed, love to share. If I don’t see that maturing into a reality, please, please, I have to believe that I have the strength to go on alone.

No comments: