Monday, August 25, 2008

My fears

I’m scared and lonely. I try so hard to be happy, to show that I don’t mind being alone…yeah, yeah, the usual drill. The truth as I face it slams into me – a whiplash that hurts.

I fear that I’ll spend my nights alone forever. I’m afraid to believe in people. I don’t want to grow older alone. I panic when I wake up alone at night and think that I could die without ever seeing a babe in my arms.

I get anxious when I realize that my parents are not going to be around forever. I feel terrorized when the past comes back to haunt me.

I want to be a good person. I feel uneasy when I think that priorities are so different. I know what I want, I really do, but I don’t know any more steps to take to make that life a reality. I can’t change people; I can’t change minds or personalities. I can’t force feelings and emotions.

As easy as it is to wake up every morning and tell myself to be positive, the evening reveals the reality that nothing seems to change.

I go to bed each night promising myself that I’d wake up early in the morn – start working out and getting healthy. I dread growing old with disease. I do not want to suffer and die. The morning dawn brings with it laziness. I’m just not motivated enough.

I think I stopped loving myself a long time back, when I just drifted along with peoples’ whims. I stopped fancying myself.

I’m finding myself again.

I’m putting myself out there – so energy come get me, I’m going to live again.

Two posts today - fantastic - I need to do this more often. Feels good to let it out.

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