Thursday, August 28, 2008

Limbo in twilight

The night was long and cold and I found myself drifting towards my interests. The light is faint; my grip loosens. I’m no longer looking forward to anything (well almost); somehow, it seems like a slow death, just like anticipated. It doesn’t matter as much anymore. Even the intensity of pain has diminished to numbness.

Of course, I feel sad; I’m human, aren’t I? I think I’ve given most of what I had, and now have nothing left – supply depleted. I need to draw energy from something; and that supply isn’t getting either nourishment or replenishment.

A friend told me recently that he’d cut off from a really good friendship because he was getting most of his stimulation (minus the romance) from a friendship. He realized that this was keeping him from seeking out eternal love.

I’m still chewing on that one; I think something similar is happening with me too. As long as I’m around I’ll be an obstacle. As long as I hold onto my current status, I'll never move on. I’ll continue this existence that's gone beyond exasperation!

I don’t know if it’s a girl thing or not, but I could not put myself out there if I had someone special in my life. I would do everything in my power to keep him there. Sometimes you lose, because the depth of emotion weighs higher on one side.

I spend most nights alone. I compared my marriage to my life now; I was home alone all the time, even weekends and nights. The only difference was that it was icy cold when he chose to come to the house. No one special makes the effort to take me out, to be with me like a real couple.

I don’t know – I want a real life. Not this limbo in twilight. Or at least let it descend to dusk and then dawn again.

Daily routine: Wake up alone, head to work, get back home. Attend a couple of calls, maybe meet someone, hit the sack.

Occassionally: someone drops by for a few hours

Weekends: spend at home alone, mostly

Where's the excitement gone? I seem to be alone or waiting all the time.

I know it sounds worse than it is; it's just that life has too many goodies to offer for me to find contentment in constant absence.

I’ve played all my cards, if the universe decides to intervene, now would be a good time to make drastic changes for me.

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